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Yesterday, I woke up to the news that my Barney has passed away. I lost not just a dog, but a friend. A friend that will forever hold a space in my heart. I’ve tried so hard to help him survive. He has fought so hard. But it wasn’t enough. He didn’t get any better. His ribs were showing. He had been vomiting and suffering from diarrhea. It was the worst, not being able to help him anymore. Everything was just too sudden. He hadn’t eaten anything for the last two days he was with us. I tried feeding him soft food but he threw it all up. He couldn’t even drink the liquid I tried to give him. Monday night I was up with him all night because he was throwing up constantly. He had pooped blood too. Which scared me so much. I told my mom we had to bring him to the vet first thing in the morning. I was at a loss then, I didn’t know what to do anymore. It killed me to have come to the actual realization that that night could probably be the last night I could spend with him. I didn’t want to let him go. But I knew it’s probably best that I put him down and end his pain.

I just feel like I didn’t give him enough time to get better. I’m just scared of the fact that I won’t see him anymore. He is only ten months old… he didn’t even get a chance to really live. He was my favorite dog and always will be. He may be the biggest pain in the ass dog in the world, he may not be the sweetest, most beautiful dog there is but he has taught me a lot. He has taught me to not just give up, he was such a strong dog. Before he contracted Parvo Virus from I don’t have any idea where, he suffered from an eye infection. For a week his eyes were cloudy. But he survived. He healed and he was able to see again. He made me appreciate life more. He is moody and cranky. He wouldn’t let anyone take him to bath except myself. He is my pride and joy. I love him so much. God I’m crying a river just writing this.

I just don’t understand why just last week he was running around. Barking. Jumping on me. Playing with his favorite soccer ball toy. Trying to eat the pork and carrots I snuck from our dinner. And then the next day he wouldn’t eat. Not a single meal, not even a piece of bread. The next day, he was throwing up everywhere. I just don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will. It frustrates me and confuses me. I just want my puppy. The dog I’ve wanted since I was a little kid. My dog soulmate. I was the one who helped his mom (dam) while giving birth to him. The dog I took everywhere with me. The dog everyone at my village knew by name. The dog I ran with every weekend morning. The dog whose pictures filled the most memory storage in my phone. The dog that literally slept by my side every single night. The dog that hung out with me in the terrace during sleepless nights. He was always so happy to see me every time I walked through the door.

It’s sad that I only got to spend ten months with the best dog I ever had. How is this fair. Why didn’t the past months of taking care of him, giving him the best love I could ever give, spending every minute with him giving him medicine when he was sick, staying up all night to make sure he had someone to pet him and clean up the mess after he threw up or pooped, being there to carry him to his bed because he was too weak to even walk himself. Hugging him when no one else would because of his foul smell. Just putting my body next to his for warmth and so he knew I was with him. Why couldn’t it have worked. I don’t understand.

Yesterday was the saddest Independence Day, ever. I lost my best friend, my companion, my child. I love you Barney. Always. I’m sorry we couldn’t have spent our lives together for a longer time or forever. I wish so much we could have. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I’ll never forget you. I miss you so much already. Your mommy loves you.

 

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